Updated: Sep 7, 2020
Wowee, this was a huge one for me and for many reasons, let me give you a little bit of background.
So sex in general was a pretty messed up area in my life, thank god with 6 years of recovery under my belt I know why that was. I had huge twisted ideas about sex and what it meant and for good reason.
Growing up I had pretty normal childhood, but one of the memories I do have is that my Dad never wanted much to do with me; another thing I have realized in recovery is that he was only doing his best, he was a young father who didn’t really want to be a Dad, he was only 21. So when his little girl came wanting attention he possibly found it hard and much easier to play with my brother and do boys stuff.
My Mother was a hairdresser and had clients come to the house, she had this one client who used to come to house often and she always brought her husband, he was always so friendly and gave me a lot of attention, this one time I remember he touched me where I now know was not a place for a grown man to be touching a child, at the time I didn’t know this and let it happen. A few days after this happened I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right and I hid from him when he came to the house again, thank god he knew I was onto him and never came back. Even though this only happened once, something happened to me, I had formed a subconscious belief and decided how and what you had to do to get attention from Men.
I was woken up to a feeling and sensation that was not the right time for a child and no wonder the boundaries around love, affection & attention were rocked in that moment, things were never the same.
From that moment on I believed that the only way you got attention from Men and boys was to be sexual, I also believed that sex meant love and if you gave yourself sexually to men that they wouldn’t abandon you. I only ever wanted to be loved and I only ever wanted attention.
This belief fucked up my life in many ways, I was labeled a slut because I would always get drunk and flirt with men, I cried more times than I can remember from a broken heart after giving myself sexually to a guy and then them wanting nothing more to do with me, why? I couldn’t understand, he wanted me and I gave him what he wanted, why wouldn’t he love me? This was the ongoing saga of my 20’s & 30's and even my 40’s when my marriage ended.
The sadness and pain from all this heartbreak was so bad I was depressed, suicidal and lonely most of my early adulthood. I was a smart and attractive woman, but I just had no worth or self respect and absolutely no love for myself.
Alcohol played a huge part in my promiscuous behavior;
It fueled my attention seeking and easiness with men and it gave me false self-confidence that I needed to act the way I did. At the core I knew I was always only seeking love, I always felt it but I never knew how to find that love within myself and to change the behavior.
Fast forward to 2014 and finding recovery and taking on the idea of no sex and no relationships for 1 year. In the place I was living at the time, this wasn’t a big deal so off I went into looking at myself, my flaws and my past and doing the work.
It wasn’t long before I realized that alcohol wasn’t the core of my addictions and that the deeper issue was actually a love addiction, fueled by alcohol. I was an addict, through and through. I realized this when I was a year and half sober and still doing the same messed up shit when it came to Men and sex. I couldn’t believe it, I was like “hang on, I am sober, why am I still behaving like this” I am meant to be fixed, like WTF.
My first sober sexual experience was tragic!
Some guy at a gym fancied me, I wasn’t even into him (another normal thing for me) he liked me so that was enough. I really wanted to get it (my first sober shag) out of the way so when he invited me to his place I said yes. Such a disaster, his kids were in the room next door, we kissed a bit, then he pulled down his pants, must admit here is where I freaked and nearly went home, I knew I shouldn’t have been there but I felt as though I had come this far and he was expecting me to put out that I couldn’t leave now. So off we went for all of 5 seconds and that was that, first sober shag done, I quickly got my things and left. He thought it was the best thing since sliced bread and it was probably one of the worst for me, oh dear. Of course I felt like utter crap and had no self-respect. I couldn’t figure it out; here I was still doing this same old shit and feeling horrible about myself.
To be honest I could go on and on about the sex (awful) sexual encounters I had in recovery but we don’t need to hear every story. Let me just say this, they were bad, and it was extremely sad what I continued to do to myself and what little self-respect I had, I had no worth when it came to this and hurt so bad.
Self Love is KEY!
I was 5 years into my recovery when I finally did the work and finally realized what it means to love myself and what it means to have a real connection. Man, what a journey, but it is absolutely true what they say, you can’t love another until you learn to love yourself.
One thing I do know is that I had no idea how to make love or what true intimacy was and to be totally honest (again) I am still learning. Sex and intimacy are too totally different things, to be totally vulnerable with another soul is so much more then sex.
The only way we can truly be comfortable to be intimate, is to love ourselves and know our worth. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows her worth, knows what she wants and can ask for it.
Sex in sobriety can be beautiful and should be, real sex is a god given gift shared between two souls who care about each other, that is the kind of sex we all deserve.
So trust me as I know from experience the only way to find this, is to find yourself first, know yourself and love yourself and you will only let love and true connection on your path.
Some little tips for a successful sex life in Sobriety:
Figure out who you are, what you like and dislike, get to know yourself first. Forget Men, they aren’t going anywhere and the ones you are picking aren’t right in the early days anyway.
Be willing to be single to sort out your own stuff, in early sobriety we don’t know how to get our own lives together let alone add someone else to the picture. Trust me, you are doing them a favor.
Be picky, really picky, when you get sober and you start to love yourself, you become very selective and that is totally fine, be selective, you deserve the best.
Do the work to begin to love yourself, this is the key to a good life, in all areas of your life as you will only allow greatness.
For those of you in relationships already, redefine your sex life if it isn’t working for you, ask for what you want, have fun with it and explore, have open communication with your partner and let them know how you feel about this new way of intimacy.
Get to know the person before jumping into bed with them, I never waited and waiting is half of the fun.
May you dive deep into exploring yourself, so you can explore the joys of sober sex, intimacy & connection. Remember your worth, you’re a divine being so worthy of LOVE. P.S Sobriety Rocks.
Much Love – Your sister in service Maree